The Crazy-Hot Matrix: An Orthodox Laywoman's Guide to Women

And other thoughts on being a woman in today's Church

I don’t usually choose to weigh in on real-time controversies, but here we are…

Updated (1/29/2025 4:30 PM ET): The video this post refers to has for the moment been removed from public access. Yay! I shall keep this post up because others have already seen and been harmed by it, and by similar content from other sources.

For the past two weeks, a video posted by an Orthodox priest has been making waves across online Orthodox spaces. Some find it amusing, others say it holds truth—but for many, it has been deeply unsettling.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m glad. Maybe don’t read the rest of this article—I’m not sure it will be beneficial. But if you do know the reference—and especially if you’re among those troubled by it—this is for you.

Not to name names…

I won’t be naming the video or its creator—though I’m aware this post contains enough information to find it on your own if you choose. It’s not that I’m trying to be sly or avoidant, it’s just that my goal isn’t to call out or argue with him or his supporters, refer people to his platform, or start some dumpster fire argument.

I’m writing instead to those who have been wounded or unsettled by its content. I want to offer a perspective that might help them understand why they feel that way. I want them to hear someone say they aren’t alone, or crazy, or any of the other things followers of this priest have implied.

In doing so, I draw on my training and experience as a trauma-informed coach, which since 2021 has given me the heartbreaking privilege of working with nearly 100 victims of some form of religious abuse and trauma, including in Orthodox contexts. My heart—in this post and in my work—is to comfort those who have been wounded by members of the Church entrusted to care for souls, and I believe the Body of Christ is made stronger when we speak the truth—or at least our best human understanding thereof—in love about these matters.

Editor’s note: any public comments to this post that mention the priest’s name, or identifying info about his jurisdiction or parish will be removed.

A summary of the video

The video purports itself to be an Orthodox priest’s take on the Crazy-Hot Scale.¹ The speaker begins with the claim that most women today “will absolutely destroy your soul,” and offers a dual-axis framework for evaluating women based on "hotness" (physical attractiveness) and "holiness" (spiritual devotion). The scale consists of various categories that rank women, including monastics, in terms of their hotness and holiness. Ultimately, this Matrix seems to suggest that men are best off pursuing only "moderately attractive" women, as the more physical beauty a woman possesses, the less likely she is to be holy (and the more likely she is to be high maintenance). The speaker also suggests that “unicorns”—women who are both hot and holy—are elusive, but the ultimate ideal. If a man is determined to find a unicorn, he can venture to a traditionally Orthodox country, and find a woman who does not speak English and has been isolated from today’s norms. The video ends with the priest blessing the Matrix and expressing the hope that it helps men avoid the danger zones as they look for a wife.

What the video gets (very) wrong

The video’s framework and instruction reduce women’s worth to external, male-centered expectations, disregarding their God-given dignity as persons made in the image of God.

It is deeply troubling for several reasons:

• The Framework itself: Any system that evaluates human beings with a man-made rating system is inherently objectifying and dismembering, regardless of how realistic the system is. The scale used in this video is particularly misogynistic because it weighs women only, and evaluates their value and worth using external markers subject to male/human calculation rather than God’s. Second, it lends credence to stereotypes that reduce women's identity to their physical appearance and outward qualities rather than to the Mystery of their God-given humanity. It encourages men to approach women and prospective spouses not as fellow human beings made in the image of God, but as a collection of visible traits to be judged and rated. If this even leads to a committed relationship, it sets one or both partners up for mistrust, relational rigidity and power dynamics, and sexual dysfunction.
  
  

• Demonizing women as harmful: The video begins with the statement that most women in today’s society “will absolutely destroy your soul,” a blanket statement that promotes age-old tropes of fear and distrust towards women, not to mention shifts responsibility for men’s spiritual well-being onto women. To suggest that women have the power to destroy someone’s soul moreover denies the sovereignty and ministry of Christ, to whom alone we live and die, and who alone is the Lord of both the dead and the living (cf. Rom 18:8-9).
  
  Christ Himself warned us of the opposite of what the video teaches: “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather, fear the one who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (Mt 10:28). Let’s not forget that He also ministered with love and respect to a wide range of women (and men), including those deemed unworthy and unclean by the religious authorities of His generation. One could argue that’s because He was not interacting with them to find a romantic partner. Point taken: maybe we, too, should encounter others as fellow human beings in need of God’s love and mercy, not as potential spouse avatars.
  
  

• The assertion that "hot" women are dangerous, even if they are "holy": The video cautions men to avoid women who are both physically attractive and deeply religious, labeling them as dangerous “gambles.” Women’s beauty is framed as a threat rather than a blessing, drawing on longstanding views of women as inherently manipulative or morally suspect. This view has shaped cultures and worldviews for millennia, and has had the cumulative effect of oppressing women and creating enmity between the sexes. It is the kind of enslavement I like to believe Christ came to redeem humanity from, by reminding men and women of their co-equal status as children of God and helpmates to one another. Indeed, many women saints in the Orthodox tradition were known and revered for their God-given physical beauty (e.g., St. Olivia of Palermo and St. Rachel the Foremother of Christ—even St. George, a male saint, is remembered for being handsome). Saints like this are revered for leading holy lives not despite their beauty, but in and through it—offering the gift of their beauty back to Christ as part of their devotion. This is what we are all called to do—offer our gifts, our strengths, our talents back to Him to use as He sees fit, not fearfully devaluing the gifts of others as immediate signs of their sinfulness.
  
  

• Encouraging men to pursue women without professional resources and who come from foreign countries or other vulnerable circumstances: The video encourages men to pursue women who lack careers outside the home or come from Orthodox countries (which often happen to be less economically stable), and who are less exposed to modern norms. Several red flags worth mentioning here…
  
  First, equating stay-at-home women with greater holiness ignores the diversity of women’s callings and the many female saints who lived out their faith in varied ways. Moreover, many parents—mothers and fathers alike—would love to spend more time at home but simply cannot due to financial necessity.
  
  Second, and more troubling, promoting the kinds of vulnerable circumstances noted above as an *ideal standard* risks spiritualizing conditions that have been demonstrably linked to higher rates of intimate partner violence for women. Advising men to actively seek out women who are isolated, who lack financial or professional resources to draw on when in need, who may not even speak the same language as their partner…? In any other context, this may be considered predatory behaviour, but when it’s clothed in religious language, it creates an illusion of piety.
  
  Finally, the video’s depiction of “unicorn” women living in some mountain village untouched by Instagram or other modern influences smacks of Orientalism, a romantic but subtly imperial distortion of Eastern cultures and histories. Women who grow up in these countries are not any more or less holy than anyone else simply by virtue of their cultural background—to suggest otherwise is to open the door to ethnophyletism or even reverse racism.
  
  

• Failure to address men’s responsibility (and agency): The video focuses entirely on scrutinizing women while neglecting men’s need for repentance, humility, and prayerful self-examination. (To be fair, it also fails to address women’s responsibility to actively tend to their own spiritual life—it rather labels them into static categories of holiness and calls it a day.)
  
  Let’s be clear: the content of this video harms men just as much as it does women. Men, you are (or at least have the natural capacity to become) better, wiser, and kinder than this video implies. We (women) know that most of you honestly seek to love others without harming or dehumanizing them, and—if you wish to marry—are trying to find a person to journey towards Christ with in an equitable, mutually self-giving way. Many of you are just as concerned and unsettled by messages like this. Don’t buy into the lie that you need to become some rigid, authoritarian, unyielding caricature of masculinity in order to lifelong love or become a “stronger Christian.”
  
  

• Misuse of spiritual authority and office: The speaker, an ordained presbyter in a jurisdiction that is in communion with the Eastern Orthodox Church, presents this framework while wearing a cassock and pectoral cross. He even appears to bless his Matrix with the sign of the Cross at the end, lending the appearance of spiritual or even sacramental authority to the content of his message. Such misuse of clerical office at best risks confusing well-meaning women and men and at worst causes real spiritual and emotional harm.
  
  How would a woman in this priest’s parish feel about going to confession with him, knowing that he rates—and counsels others to rate—women’s holiness using such a scale? How uncomfortable is it to hear a middle-aged, married priest categorize certain women—his sisters in Christ—as “hot,” a term that has unavoidable sexual connotations? To hear him rank even his own wife using his Matrix? To name just a few serious pastoral questions this video raises.

Indeed, this video has already caused harm. I know of at least one faithful woman and mother who, after encountering it, has chosen to leave the Orthodox Church. There are several comment threads in response to this video and on other online forums in which others have also shared similar responses. Others I know personally, both clergy and laity, have expressed distress and disbelief that such content was posted by an Orthodox priest.

Feel free to disagree

If this video has caused you distress, or even made you question your participation in the Orthodox faith, you’re not alone. It is disturbing when we find messages like this circulating in a Church that is supposed to be a hospital—a place of safety and care—for the wounded. I wish I had more to give than understanding and empathy, but I pray that is at least something.

If I could offer one more tidbit, it would be the unequivocal statement that you are allowed to question, and even disagree with, something a priest says.

Let me say that again: you are allowed to disagree with something a priest says.

One reason content like this can be so devastating to some of us is that we assume that because it’s coming out of a priest’s mouth, we must therefore unquestioningly alter our reality—including our experience of ourselves, men, relationships, even God—to match it. No, you don’t. Disagreeing with someone (including me, in this post!) is not necessarily a sin, in many cases it’s a sign of virtue, such as when we disagree with falsehood or injustice.

Which brings me to my next point…

But isn’t it wrong to criticize a priest?

Several individuals have tried to express concern with this video through public comments to the video’s creator, for the most doing so in a respectful, open-minded tone. Yet, time and again, they were met with the same response—either from the priest himself or his followers—insisting that criticizing a priest is wrong, or that questioning his message was itself disrespectful, or (if they were women) they were clearly not in one of the “holy” parts of the Scale. This effectively dismisses and silences their concerns.

Where does Scripture say that priests are beyond criticism or that their words not to be questioned? Even St. James, the brother of Christ, acknowledges: “We who teach will face stricter judgment. For all of us make many mistakes” (James 3:1-2a).

Elsewhere the New Testament urges us to discern and test what we hear:

• “Test everything; hold fast to what is good; abstain from every form of evil.” (1 Thess 5:21)

• “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” (1 John 4:1)

Of course, it’s wrong to slander, humiliate, or maliciously attack a priest—but not because he is a priest. It’s wrong because every person is made in the image of God, and we are called to love our neighbour as ourselves.

But testing a priest’s words against Scripture and Tradition? Seeking clarification? Challenging what seems mistaken or harmful? That is not only allowed but should be encouraged, as long as it’s done in a spirit of humility and discernment. Indeed a good priest welcomes such engagement because his priority is the Gospel and pastoral care, not personal authority. And because good priests know what all good helping professionals know: it is easy to unwittingly cause harm to others, even when we have good intentions.

This doesn’t mean we should be that person who nitpicks every trivial point to death. St. Paul warns against “stupid controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless” (Titus 3:9). But when a clergyman’s words call fundamental aspects of faith teachings, life, or human dignity into question, asking questions isn’t just appropriate—it’s necessary.

Caveat: That doesn’t always mean confronting the person directly, especially if trust has been broken. Sometimes, the best first step is prayer, then seeking guidance from a trusted spiritual advisor or third party (like a friend, therapist, or a trusted priest from a different jurisdiction).

When all is said and done…

Not sure how to conclude this post, because I can’t “fix” this situation—it is not mine to fix. I have only given voice and offered a perspective so that others may know they are not alone. So I conclude with a series of hopes, prayers, realizations that come to mind when I think about situations like this in the Church. I invite you to take what is useful from this list—and from this whole post—and leave what is not.

When all is said and done…

When all is said and done, it is sad and distressing to hear messages like this spoken with an air of authority, online or elsewhere.

When all is said and done, we can let ourselves feel this, and remind ourselves that our experiences and perspectives are valid even when others dismiss or silence them.

When all is said and done, we can only move forward in our faith by honouring and acting out of our God-given free will, not out of fear, manipulation, coercion, or shame.

When all is said and done, we can choose to remember that every human being is created in the image of God, bears the great Mystery of personhood, and is therefore irreducible. This applies to ourselves, whether male or female, as well as our enemies, oppressors, or those who just disappoint us. To recognize human dignity in ourselves and others is not to endorse every aspect of their (or our) behaviour, it is to seek to view them before all else from the vantage point of their God-given creatureliness and sanctity.

When all is said and done, we can choose to test words (our own and others’) for their measure of truth and goodness, we can seek to become “wise as serpents and innocent as doves,” we can speak the truth in love, and when it is not safe to do so out loud, we can carry the truth with love in our hearts.

When all is said and done, we can contact bishops when we are concerned a real injustice has occurred.

When all is said and done, we can—if we desire—cling to Christ, and the love and beauty He grants us to see in the world, even when not much else makes sense. If we do not desire this, we can know that He is still everywhere with us, quietly waiting and loving us without coercion, control, or dual-axis rating systems.

When all is said and done, we can have hope. Hope for our churches, our world, our hearts. Quiet, almost silent hope, hope the size of a mustard seed, but hope nonetheless.

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1. The Crazy-Hot Scale was a graph that was presented on a 2007 episode of the show How I Met Your Mother by one of its characters, Barney Stinson. In the show, Stinson is an opinionated, unlikable womanizer with expensive tastes, who finds various schemes of manipulating women to have sex with him. The purpose of this Scale is to find women who are at least as “hot” as they are “crazy”--if a woman is too crazy, she is undesirable. The Scale has become part of internet pop culture and memes, with numerous takes and adaptations of it. While some see the Scale as pseudoscience and misogynistic, some of its supporters suggest that women who take offense don’t fit into the Scale’s date or wife zone.